SPEAKING OUT!!! I KNOW I AM CRAZY!!!
i know i am crazy sometimes and my mood can be erractic and irrational! so what i have borderline personality disorder and i am doing the best i can with what i have!!! i am done hiding and i am done with not being open and honest to my friends and some family. i have to start making people aware and if i do my excuses for not doing anything or hiding out will not be justified. i have just proclaim that i have Borderline Personality Disorder on my facebook to let everyone know and if they dont like it i told them to unfriend me. to start changing society’e stigma on mental illness i have to start with myself if i am open and honest i hope others will follow. it always starts with one somewhere and if we start talking someone will listen. i know no everyone will but the more its talked about the more likely that the younger generation will feel comfortable opening up when they are depressed. i dont care who you are we all human and eventually we will grow into inderstanding. i have dealt with so many highs and lows of BPD and most of them i did alone and each time it gets harder emitional and physchaily warn out. i can no longer hide i wil not be afriad to let poeple know anymore we all need support rather be online or in life. real friends will stick by you and others will leave for the ones who leave you really didnt need them anyways. i am cleansing myself of anyone who doesnt want to be open and doesnt want to help i dont need close minded people in my life. i dont know who will read this but if you choose to no longer hide from family and friends; tell me about it share your story and feel free to share mine!! it only takes one to lead and i hope many many will follow and stand up and tell the world dont be afriad. I AM NIKKI PENSON AND I HAVE BPRDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER AND ANXIETY!!! IF YOU DONT LIKE IT GET OVER IT!!

she would be disappointed

so it seems like the people who knew my sister best dont wanna talk about her "problems" she had before her death. unfortantely for me that means talking about her mental illness that i feel contributed to her death will result in my own failure in life and my possible death. i fear without any insight into her i cant help myself and i dont know if there is anyone who can. i ve already relasped in to some of my bad couping habits and i am afriad i wouldnt stop this time until i kill myself. my implusiveness has almost completey taked over and my thoughts are more erractic than ever. i levels of aniexty are slowly pushing me towards that edge and theres no one to catch me now. maybe thats the way its meant to be and if so i know she will be waiting for me on the other side. i am sure she is with me right now and she disappointed her death her pain i feel like it was for nothing. no one wants talk about mental illness well right now i am gonna make them listen. weather i have to kill myself to do it i will i am so sick of people not caring and acting like its a big secert well its not. if people dont start talking about it and helping and acting like they give a damn then everyone who has a mental illness will be in pain for nothing. i am so sick of people acting like it doesnt matter or telling people its not ok to talk about because its not socially expceted really who said it wasnt socially expected i wanna know because THEY ARE WRONG!!!! its close minded people like that who put mental illness in the fiction section and it is slowly killing us. i will not let my sister's death or and anyone else who suffer from a mental illness be in vain and for nothing. if i cant change people and the way society veiws mental illness then i dont wanna be apart of it i rather be dead!! cause really in the end only GOD will judge me and everyone else!! it seems like people only open their eyes to mental illness when someone they love or care about commits suicide and by then its to late. apperantly thats what society needs i mass suicide to open thier eyes but i highly doubt it would really change that much. hopefully when i die someone other than another mentally ill person would be impacted if not then whats the point of being here if i cant change society to help those in need cause we are in need and they dont understand and if they do their not speaking.

please read this blog its veery inspirational





http://larissalong.wordpress.com/2011/12/18/matthews-pain/

My BPD has been bad lately I ve been from one extreme to the other today and i cant seem to find the middle ground. I ve been running on about 4 hrs of sleep in 2 days and I am becoming frustrated more than normal. Not sleeping alot I am pretty use to since she died but it seems the more time passes the worse it gets. When she died a huge hole was left in me at first I didnt want to talk about it I just bottled it up. Then it started to all come out and when it did I couldnt stop the tears. I feel her everyday with me like she is still here and I dream about her. I used to have problems sleeping at night because I hate to say I was scared of the dark. Now not only is that problem back but its because I dont feel alone. To sleep at night before I would leave the light on and now it doesnt seem to matter. In the past 6 months I ve been scared to sleep because I keep having the same dream about her. Now as my blogs go on I will eventually get more in depth about her death but for now I am not ready to talk about it. I love her very much and I miss her greatly. We had a special type of bond she also had a mental illness she struggled with and so she understood me and alot of times she helped me. I know that I need to deal with my BPD myself but having no one else now who understands in my life I am finding it harder each day. I know not getting enough sleep is playing a big part in that. I have a theory it maybe out there but I feel trying to know her better to fully understand what she went through will help me not only dealing with BPD but also to finding myself. I am not sure yet but we will find out.