Searching For Her

My BPD has been bad lately I ve been from one extreme to the other today and i cant seem to find the middle ground. I ve been running on about 4 hrs of sleep in 2 days and I am becoming frustrated more than normal. Not sleeping alot I am pretty use to since she died but it seems the more time passes the worse it gets. When she died a huge hole was left in me at first I didnt want to talk about it I just bottled it up. Then it started to all come out and when it did I couldnt stop the tears. I feel her everyday with me like she is still here and I dream about her. I used to have problems sleeping at night because I hate to say I was scared of the dark. Now not only is that problem back but its because I dont feel alone. To sleep at night before I would leave the light on and now it doesnt seem to matter. In the past 6 months I ve been scared to sleep because I keep having the same dream about her. Now as my blogs go on I will eventually get more in depth about her death but for now I am not ready to talk about it. I love her very much and I miss her greatly. We had a special type of bond she also had a mental illness she struggled with and so she understood me and alot of times she helped me. I know that I need to deal with my BPD myself but having no one else now who understands in my life I am finding it harder each day. I know not getting enough sleep is playing a big part in that. I have a theory it maybe out there but I feel trying to know her better to fully understand what she went through will help me not only dealing with BPD but also to finding myself. I am not sure yet but we will find out.