Searching For Her

she would be disappointed

so it seems like the people who knew my sister best dont wanna talk about her "problems" she had before her death. unfortantely for me that means talking about her mental illness that i feel contributed to her death will result in my own failure in life and my possible death. i fear without any insight into her i cant help myself and i dont know if there is anyone who can. i ve already relasped in to some of my bad couping habits and i am afriad i wouldnt stop this time until i kill myself. my implusiveness has almost completey taked over and my thoughts are more erractic than ever. i levels of aniexty are slowly pushing me towards that edge and theres no one to catch me now. maybe thats the way its meant to be and if so i know she will be waiting for me on the other side. i am sure she is with me right now and she disappointed her death her pain i feel like it was for nothing. no one wants talk about mental illness well right now i am gonna make them listen. weather i have to kill myself to do it i will i am so sick of people not caring and acting like its a big secert well its not. if people dont start talking about it and helping and acting like they give a damn then everyone who has a mental illness will be in pain for nothing. i am so sick of people acting like it doesnt matter or telling people its not ok to talk about because its not socially expceted really who said it wasnt socially expected i wanna know because THEY ARE WRONG!!!! its close minded people like that who put mental illness in the fiction section and it is slowly killing us. i will not let my sister's death or and anyone else who suffer from a mental illness be in vain and for nothing. if i cant change people and the way society veiws mental illness then i dont wanna be apart of it i rather be dead!! cause really in the end only GOD will judge me and everyone else!! it seems like people only open their eyes to mental illness when someone they love or care about commits suicide and by then its to late. apperantly thats what society needs i mass suicide to open thier eyes but i highly doubt it would really change that much. hopefully when i die someone other than another mentally ill person would be impacted if not then whats the point of being here if i cant change society to help those in need cause we are in need and they dont understand and if they do their not speaking.